This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the
U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
For
further information, visit our website, or contact us at
Hi, I realize this is the men's discussion board, but I'm hoping to get some advice from your perspectives as well. My boyfriend has been suffering from paruresis for as long as he can remember, but has just recently opened up to me about it. He did not tell his parents until he was 20 years old. He tells me he feels embarrassed and weak because of it, but he refuses to seek help. He resists my suggestions to try therapy and is convinced it is something he can fix on his own. Does anyone have any experiences to share that might help me get him to open up? I wish he didn't feel so ashamed of it. I know he often lies to me when he can't urinate to avoid a discussion about it. How can I help him? He doesn't want sympathy; he doesn't want therapy. From my perspective, he's been battling this on his own for a while, and I want to help him make a change.
Re: Help for boyfriend
Posted by Andrew on 27/2/2017, 11:12 pm, in reply to "Help for boyfriend"
Hi Danielle
just wanted to acknowledge your posting. Its one I want to think about, so will aim to reply more fully later tomorrow.
hi Danielle I see Andrew will be responding again soon so you'll get a response from him but I want to add that he is not alone. I'm 42 and have suffered from ap for as long as I can remember too. I have told nobody about this but my wife and I only told her because I'd signed up for the beginners workshop and wouldn't have got a weekend pass without telling her! :-)
I can honestly say the workshops are fantastic! Yes they're a little nerve wracking to begin with but you soon realise you're with a group of guys who understand exactly what you're going through. I've done the beginners and 1 follow up and both weekends have been very positive and, believe it or not, fun! If I could offer your boyfriend one bit of advice it would be to get himself on a workshop. He wouldn't have to stay if he didn't like it but I'm pretty sure he would stay and he'd also come away from it feeling much better!
Thank you so much for your advice. I will definitely continue to encourage him to attend a workshop. I know he looked in to it before we got together but never attended. Hopefully I can push him to get there this time!
Danielle
Re: Help for boyfriend
Posted by Andrew on 28/2/2017, 3:08 pm, in reply to "Help for boyfriend"
Hello Danielle
His feelings of shame and embarrassment are what most people feel who struggle with this condition.
The condition is prevalent i.e. he is not the only one by a long way. On our workshops we have dealt with over 500 people of all ages and backgrounds, and we feel that is the tip of the iceberg. We have helped probably the same number via the web and email.
Women are affected as well, so it not a male thing: it is a human thing. Men say they feel less of a man because of it, but we tell them: we cant say to a woman: does it make you feel less of a man?!
People affected are not inadequate: among those 500 have been: a surgeon, a physician, architects, policemen, judge, commercial pilots, a fighter pilot (yes really), chief executives, etc. One group looked at each other and exclaimed that if anyone came in the room, they would think it was a rugby team.
The question is how to engage with him in a way that wont cause him to clam up. What follows is a possible sequence of steps for you to use, but not all at once! You would have to check he is OK with a statement before moving on.
"Apparently there is a charity dedicated to shy bladder, run by people who have or have got over shy bladder (in the hope that it might lift it from a personal failing to what must be acceptable if there is a charity for it).
All sorts of people, even a fighter pilot! (i.e. a man's man can get it).
It is a specific social anxiety, like stage fright (in the hope that stage fright gives an acceptable reason for it).
Cos its like stage fright, you can get over it so long as you get help from guys who have been there before. (cross fingers that this may sound acceptable compared to "therapy" from someone who does not know what shy bladder is).
The guys in the charity run weekend workshops that let you move at your own pace, and you dont have to do anything you dont want to do.
Past participants say the workshops are amazingly helpful.
They even help people who struggle to pee at home when visitors come round.
So what do you think? Get back to me with your thoughts and questions. If you prefer, do it via the email address at the top of this page.
If you email me your address, I can send you our glossy brochure, again in the hope that it will validate the condition to him.
Hi Danielle, nice to hear from you! I have been suffering with paruresis from about 25. Around 20 yrs on, i told a friend about a year and a half ago and have never told any family, girlfriends etc. I had been in touch with Andrew and seen the paruresis board for about 3 yrs regularly getting the emails of workshop dates before i attended the workshops as i too felt uncomfortable about talking in a group but i was so fed up of suffering that i would rather of felt uncomfortable at a workshop for 2 weekends than i would feeling uncomfortable the rest of my life living with paruresis. It is unlikely your boyfriend will be able to fix this on his own as there is much to learn in the workshops and it would certainly be a quicker and more positive benefit to your boyfriend if he signed up to this message board to begin with and read other men's experiences. He can also post any questions and nobody will ever know it is him as he will only have to put his first name on the posts so he will be safely anonymous. The next London workshop will probably be in September and the Manchester one next January so it will give him time to build up his confidence to attend a workshop. I went for therapy once and the counsellor didn't understand and was useless but Andrew and the paruresis trust do understand and are very useful indeed. Men have this condition for various reasons such as past abuse, size issues, or just the way they were brought up about privacy so whatever category he fits into he will be in the same boat as others so no need to feel any shame or embarrassment. Good luck in getting him to seek the ukpt's help.
Thank you for your advice Karl! I do appreciate it. I've thought about encouraging him to join a discussion board. I also know he looked in to workshops before we started seeing each other but never attended one. That will be my next step!
No probs Danielle. If there's any more advice just post a message and i'm sure someone will reply. I'm glad that he looked into workshops before as that is already a good sign of interest. I would like to add to my message that no matter what reason your boyfriend has pururesis, the ukpt will not make him tell the group at the workshops, they leave it up to us if we want to talk about it or not, how much we want to talk about it if so, and we are also given the option of talking in private one to one with someone who runs the workshop. This may reassure him if it is one of the things he is nervous about.
