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Nick (=I) is now 53, Italian, male, married, one son 13 year-old. As far as he can remember, he has always been paruretic, since childhood. His first memory of paruretic experience was in the Maternal School (Kindergarten), which he attended from 4 to 6 years of age. He remembers well how the toilets were arranged. For security reasons, the toilet room was unique; there were one or two basins and 4 or 5 child-sized water closet separated only by dividers without doors. Nick was completely unable to urinate in that toilet room. He held his urine all the morning, until his grand-mother brought him his lunch. Then, he obliged his grand-mother to stay at the door of the toilet room in order to see that nobody could enter, and finally he could urinate. He felt ashamed, because in his opinion all his school-mate (male and female) were able to use the toilet room. In his childhood, Nick was sometimes scolded by his mother for not being able to pee for example in an open space like a public garden or even a wood. Moreover, his father usually said “chi non piscia in compagnia è un ladro ed una spia” (He, who does not pee in company with other boys/men is a thief or a spy). His father was able to urinate whenever and wherever he wanted or needed, even in the town streets during night. He represented the Ideal True Man, who is able to urinate whenever and wherever he wants/needs; this is an Italian myth (according to Nick). At 4, Nick was diagnosed with phimosis. His pediatrician checked his phimosis every visit, and it was unpleasant and a little painful, to decide if Nick should be operated or not. Nick now was sure: something was wrong with his penis. This increased his feeling of shame and inferiority. At the primary school (6 to 11 years old), Nick and his school-mates had toilets only with cubicles. Nick was able to use them, with the door closed. But he remembers that once his school-bench-mate told him that he had once gone to the toilet with two other boys; they had closed inside a cubicle and they have peed one at the time, while the others were watching. Nick thought it was an invitation to do the same with him. He was scary, he said nothing, so declining any possible invitation. At the middle school (11 to 14 years old), Nick was in an all-male class. They had cubicles as toilets, so at the beginning Nick was reassured. But when he tried to pee in the cubicle, other boys looked at him from over the dividers, and knocked violently at the door. So Nick decided not to pee at school. In the holiday during the middle school, Nick and his parents did some nice travels around Europe with a caravan. So they slept in Motorways Parking lots or Service Stations and in camping grounds. In these sites, Nick encountered maybe for the first time the urinals, and different types of them. He sometimes tried to use the urinals, but he could not urinate. He was obliged to use the cubicles. He developed admiration and envy towards the men who could use the urinals. In the camping of Kopenhagen, Nick (14 year-old) encountered for the first time the trough urinals; they were the most scaring of all, because you can see your mate urinate and also his urine drain under your eyes. The admiration and envy towards the man capable of using urinal grew more and more. He kept thinking that he was the only male person unable to do it.
Is anyone interested in reading the continuation of Nick's story, with his victories and defeats?
If yes, I will post the continuation. Thanks for having read me
Continue with your story Nick. I am sure there will be others that will of had the same or similar experience as you. Sorry to hear your father was so harsh with you. Good luck with your paruresis.
At the high school, the male toilet room contained one urinal and two cubicles. Nick never dared to use the urinal, but was able to urinate in the cubicles whenever he needed to. Nobody watched at him from over the dividers of the cubicles nor knocked insistently at the door. But the school trips were difficult. Nick remember well the first school trip (1978, 15 years old). It was by bus, without toilet on board, 6 or more hour-travel. At a certain point, the bus stopped at a service station, to let us go to the toilet. It was a very difficult moment. Nick did not remember how he resolved the problem, but surely he did not go to the urinals. In the summer 1978, Nick went with his parents to Verona. They attended a Ballet with the famous dancer Carla Fracci in the Arena. It was beautiful. In the break, he wanted to pee (not urgently) and went to the men’s toilet with his father. Nick remember well the long queue of men waiting for their turn to go to the bathroom. There was only one occupied cubicle, and two urinals without divider; all the men queueing could see the men urinating at the urinals. Nick hoped and hoped that the cubicle would become free, but it did not. When the turn of Nick and his father came, Nick decided not to pee, while his father went. He was again too anxious. In the summer 1981 (18 years old), Nick was on holiday at Wien with his parents and girlfriend. After a long afternoon when he held his urine, they finally arrived to a site where there were toilets. He entered rapidly the men’s toilet, but he found: all the doors of the cubicles closed (you had to pay for them) and what Nick calls a “wall urinal”: a continuous wall against which men are supposed to urinate. The urine drained into a groove all along the base of the wall (I’ve only seen this type or urinal in Austria). He got suddenly very scared and he came out of the room. But his father encouraged him to reenter and to pee with him. It was very difficult, his legs trembled, he sweated, but he managed to start urinating! At that point another man came in to urinate, but, to his surprise, Nick did not stop the flow. So Nick should have learned that for him the difficult moment was to start urinating. After that the flow would continue till the end. It was a victory, but an isolated one! Nick remembers a fact that occurred in 1982 (19 years old). He was with some or his male and female school-mates in the house of one of them for a day off. At a certain point, John said: I have to go to the bathroom. Robert said: If you have only to pee, I come with you to wash my hands. This was frightening for Nick: it could mean that, when he would go to the toilet, one of his male-mate could ask the same to him! At the University the problem continued. Beside the large lecture hall, there was the male toilet room, with 3 urinals without dividers and 3 cubicles. I think Nick never used the urinals, but was very embarrassed if he had to urinate and all the cubicles were occupied: he had to wait, while others were going to the urinals. So he felt very ashamed. In his opinion everyone was able to use the urinals except himself. He felt disappointed and misfit. When Nick went to the University canteen, he never urinated, because the cubicles were usually occupied and he could not use the urinal. The toilet room was always very busy. When Nick started working, the building where he worked (and where he’s currently working) had not toilet room for male and female. Just 4 bathroom, each with a basin, a watercloset and a door to be closed. Very nice for Nick. But he did not cope with the paruretic problem. In 1991, Nick worked at London for 6 months. In the Department there were urinals. He tried to use them, but he succeeded only a few times, when nobody was in and nobody was around. He tried also the urinals in the South Bank Center, and in various Parks of London, but he did not remember any success. In the susequent years, Nick went on holiday some times to the mountains. Initially, he could not urinate in the open air, but gradually (I do not know how) he became accustomed to urinate in the wood; at the beginning the choice of the place where to urinate was complex, but then it became easier and easier, and sometimes he urinated when his friends were rather closed to him. This was a permanent victory. Today Nick is able to find quite easily a place where to urinate in the country, provided there is some bush or trees. In 1998 (35 years old) Nick went on holiday in the South of France. He frequented a quite isolated nudist beach, he felt easy with his nudity among men and women, and could even pee in a little wood beside the beach. This was good! It is not nudity that embarrasses Nick. He can go to gyms or swimming pool and undress completely in the locker room and take common showers together other men without any problem. So the problem is not the anatomy of my penis (thought Nick) but his function. I can easily show my penis, but I got anxious if it is to function (peeing) before others. In 2003 Nick became a father of a son. He decided that his son should grow with more self esteem than himself. Part of the self-esteem derives from being at ease with oneself nudity. So Nick and his son became accustomed to reciprocal nudity without embarrassment, and they can urinate together in their house. They have urinated together may times in the mountains and even once at urinals without dividers. So paternity was very useful to Nick, he developed an increasing self esteem.
This is a very interesting story Nick so thanks for sharing. A nudist beach is great for https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy and something i would really like to try myself to break down the walls of my psychological state of mind. I too go into men's changing rooms for swimming pools and post-sports showers. Last time there were six of us in the showers after sports and two others came in when two walked out. I had never been in such a busy shower block before! All the men knew each other so were all facing each other and talking. It didn't faze me whatsoever and when you are in a situation like this you can remember it when you go to the gents and use it as a positive memory.