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I am feeling devastated today due to Paruresis. I am ashamed to talk about it to anyone else and hence posting my feelings here. I am a 29 year old male, married and have recently become a father. This post is rather long so kindly bear with me.
I have always had a little bit of shy bladder tendency as far as I can remember. I have always had trouble urinating in certain circumstances, for example - peeing in the open, peeing in urinals in a crowded public restroom with people queueing up to do their business etc. I never gave this problem any concern since these type of 'special' situations were easily avoidable. But lately things have gotten out of hand.
I think things started going bad around a couple of months back. Usually I had no trouble peeing in urinals in my office (unless of course it was crowded as hell). But this one time when I unzipped my pants and stood before the urinal, I realized that I was not able to go. There were a couple of more people in the restroom with me at that time. They left after a minute or so of me standing there, and only after that was I finally able to go. Again, I did not think much of this incident because till that point of time I was not even aware what paruresis was.
The same thing happened for some more times again over the next few days, after which I realized that it was not a one of incident. Even when I was alone in the restroom, I was afraid of going in the urinal for the fear of someone barging in one me. So I resorted to using the stalls. It was at this point in time that I started reading about paruresis and realized I had a mental problem.
I had issues in peeing in other people's houses also. Even with the bathroom door closed, I was afraid that people outside might hear me pee, so I could not go.
I resorted to gradual exposure therapy and started peeing in office by leaving the stall door open. I was successful at that. After a few more days I took it to the next level by trying to use the urinals when noone was in the restroom. I achieved success in that also. I could not pee when people were in the restroom, but had no problems doing it when alone. I still was not able to pee in other people's houses, but my confidence was returning slowly.
Then my life changed again. I went to Mumbai to stay at a friend's place last week. I felt it would be a welcome next step in exposure therapy. I did not have much trouble peeing there on the first day, but things got worse with time, and the last 2 days were really tough. I could only pee when noone else was in the room adjoining the bathroom. I even used to wait till everyone was asleep and then used to pee. I longed to come back home.
On my way back (yesterday) I did not have trouble peeing at the airport restroom stalls. I felt like making a fresh start again. But the worst was yet to come.
I went to office today and used the urinal for my first pee. I had no trouble at all. But on my second attempt, I could not do it and had to use the unlocked stalls. On my fourth pee of the day, I used the stalls with the door open, but could not go. I then locked it and peed. On my fifth pee, I could not pee in spite of locking the stall door. I realized things are worsening with each pee and came back home.
Now I am simply devastated. Let alone starting afresh with gradual exposure therapy, I am fearing things might get even worse. I do not know how I will lead a full time job from tomorrow. Hopefully a good night's sleep with help things. But I am really stressed out now and hence thought of posting this here. Any confidence builders will be much appreciated.
Really glad you unburdened yourself here. It is so important not to bottle things up, otherwise they fester.
You say you are ashamed to talk about it. Please don't be: having some degree of paruresis is not a judgement of you as a person. As you said, you used to have difficulty in a crowded toilet - not uncommon. Most people can comprehend stage-fright, if only because most people don’t like the idea of standing up and presenting in front of others. Paruresis is a form of stage-fright, but one that is difficult to avoid.
It seems to have really kicked off for you when your confidence took a bump in Mumbai. And from then you have become more self-conscious about peeing. The next day at work, a small set-back had major consequences in starting a chain of self-consciousness.
You mention an office environment: if you drink a lot of coffee, could you stop drinking coffee for a while; it exacerbates anxiety, and triggers a need to pee even when there is a low volume; this makes it more difficult to start a flow.
Then accept that you need to start to use the work toilet at a level you can manage. Use a cubicle (men ARE allowed to pee in a cubicle). If you need to, sit down. Allow yourself plenty of time – can you treat it as a break from work? Continue using the toilet at that level until your equilibrium is restored and you know you can pee that way.
It is important to stop caring whether you pee or not. You cant make it happen: you can only put yourself in a situation that your subconscious is happy with, and then let your body get on with it in its own time. I think of it as walking the dog. I cant make the dog pee, only it will decide whether or not to do so. Meanwhile as a dog walker I think about other things.
Only then consider a move to standing; even then, try it out by faking i.e. go in with no need to pee and do everything except pee – this is so you can feel what it is like at that level. You can repeat the faking until you desense to the new level. Only then introduce peeing at that level. Once you can pee in the cubicle standing up, don’t immediately go to urinals; instead continue standing in the cubicle until one day you realise you went in and peed without thinking about it i.e. it had ceased to be a remarkable event. I would even continue at that level to reinforce that it till it becomes boring. Now moving to an open door or to the urinal can be done using the same procedure of initial faking to check out the new scenario.
As you can see, desense should not be rushed. Small steps, repeated till performance is taken for granted, is what works.
Aside from this, avoid setting yourself a target in time or in performance. Accept what comes along. As for peeing next to someone, accept that a lot of guys like their personal space and so prefer to have a gap either side.
Other guys are not interested in your toileting; to them it is as uninteresting as your blowing your nose.
It would lift a lot of pressure off you to confide in anyone who “needs to know and you trust”. To that end our website has a page called “How to tell someone” It is a low key series of statements that leads the listener along a path they can understand. Based on feedback from hundreds, the reaction will range from understanding to “whatever”. In fact they will quickly forget you told them! Why? Cos it is like you said you have difficulty blowing your nose – hardly memorable. This will mean you not having to pretend anymore.
I hope this is some help. You really can move forward from this.
Thanks Andrew for the reply. I will definitely try the 2 things you mentioned - sitting down to pee and faking today at the office. Hope to see some improvement. Fingers crossed
