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find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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I've visited this site a few times and finally decided to post about my experience with Paruresis.
Like most people I'm unable to remember a point where I went from not having this condition to when I did have it, how it works for me is that I can only pee in a public toilet if I'm in a cubicle sitting down (this is because I hate the idea of someone knowing I'm stood in a cubicle trying to pee), even in this scenario I still sometimes struggle, I can pee at home and at my workplace fairly comfortably but there are some occasional exceptions to this however i.e. if someone I don't know very well is around.
When I was a younger man the problem didn't really affect me to much because like others I could overcome paruresis when I was drunk (which was almost every time I went out when I was younger ), after hitting my late 20's I gave up booze completely and since then I have struggled with the condition when going out, like others I sometimes hold off drinking liquids hours before I go out.
About a year ago I changed my job and now work as an account manager (which is a posh title for a salesman basically), in some ways it has made things easier but in other ways more difficult, for example being on the road all the time means I have to pee behind a tree somewhere very remote (which can be difficult but at the same time I have no one I know watching me), due to a lack of public toilets most people that are on the road all day have to do this anyway but unlike them I have to be completely unseen by passing traffic, so I'd love to be able to pee at the side of the road with my back to the traffic, because at the moment I sometimes have to drive miles away to find a wooded area somewhere. Obviously common sense has to prevail and I obviously wouldn't urinate or want to urinate in the middle of a town/city centre against a wall while people are walking past, but in thos situations it would be great to just find a supermarket toilet and just have a pee there instead.
Lastly I'll focus on what I've done about the condition so far, I visited my GP about a year ago who then referred me to a urologist, to be fair he was very understanding and admitted that it was quite educating for him to hear about (because as you can guess no one else had ever been to him with this problem before) this problem, The main reason I went to see him was about self catheterization which he accepted might be a good idea. A week or so later a nurse visited my home to show me how to use them and to be honest it was one of the most harrowing experiences I've ever had, while it did work it felt absolutely awful and to be honest I've never tried it again (I'd just like to say this was just my personal experience and don't let this put you off if you are thinking of going down this route), so yeah I'm basically back to square one.
Lastly I have a girlfriend who I have been in a relationship with for 16 years who knows about the condition, she try's to be supportive but it's difficult for her to understand sometimes.
So that's kind of my experience and any helpful suggestions would be most welcome.
Re: My experience
Posted by Andrew on 27/6/2015, 3:55 pm, in reply to "My experience"
Hi Carl
Welcome to this board, and I am glad you feel able to get it off your chest here.
I am really sorry that you had such a bad experience with catheters, because that does not seem to be the norm. I wonder whether the nurse was inexperienced or whether the catheter was the wrong diameter. There are even variations in the design of the tip that can have an affect. But whatever the reason I fully appreciate that you do not want to try again, at least for a while.
My first suggestion is to encourage you to come along to a Beginners workshop. There is so much to go through that it takes a weekend, and cant really be done through this board.
On this forum there are postings headed Feedback. These are feedback from participants at workshops, and are always positive. Have a look at them; it may help you to decide to attend.
Secondly do read up everything on our website (as opposed to this forum) you will find it via the link at the top of this page. That will give you some idea of how much useful info there is.
Then come back here with questions and comments, and we can move things forward.
Cheers
Andrew
Re: My experience
Posted by James on 27/6/2015, 8:52 pm, in reply to "My experience"
Hi Carl,
Thanks for your post it brought back many memories. The short detour off the motorway to find a convenient tree to hide behind. This quite often became a very long detour, and a very frustrating one. I remember one such trip to the West Midlands area when I just could not find a private spot. In the end with my bladder full to bursting I pulled over at the side of the road. It was a quiet country lane and I could wait no longer. No sooner had I got a flow going a lady started driving towards me. The frustration of driving countless miles trying to find a suitable spot, plus the nerves of another car coming along, had manifest itself giving me the 'shrivels'. Suffice to say I was not much of a 'man' on the day, but the lady drove past politely without asking if I needed a magnifying glass.
I can look back now and laugh, but when I got back in the car I thought to myself I cannot carry on like this.
This was pre-internet days and the long process of self assessment and help began. Things are a lot better for me now, and although never totally 'cured' I lead a pretty normal life.
Andrew's suggestion of a workshop sounds like a good idea, or there are plenty of folks to converse / e-mail with here for support.
Good luck!
James
Re: My experience
Posted by Carl W-Mids on 28/6/2015, 2:47 pm, in reply to "My experience"
Hello Andrew and James,
Thank you for the replies, just reading your replies feels like a weight off my shoulders already, it's basically the first time in my life I have communicated with others that have or do suffer with this.
It's hard to explain why I didn't like the catheter(s) but I think it was more psychological, just seeing how far it was going in before it hit my bladder kind of made every nerve in my body react. I have still got plenty left so might give it another try sometime.
Thank you for the invite to the beginners workshop and I think it's definitely something I will do at some point, I simply can't go on like this anymore and just going to the workshop will be half of the battle I guess.
Thank you again,
Carl
Re: My experience
Posted by Bill on 28/6/2015, 8:58 pm, in reply to "Re: My experience"
HI Carl,
I cannot recommend a workshop highly enough. I think we can all relate to trying to find quiet places to go, trying to avoid other people etc and it's been the bane of my life as well. A couple of years ago I remember being in a car with friends travelling to London (I live in the North) when we stopped at a service station for a toilet break and instead of going into the building with everyone else, I stayed outside and went behind a tree instead! The workshop has taught me to try and manage my anxiety as well as tackle my condition and it's succeeded on both fronts to a reasonable extent - it's not "cured" my condition of course, but I'm doing better than I used to and in the past 6 months or so, since the follow-up, I've found I experience less anxiety in my general day-to-day life, which in itself has been a huge boost to my wellbeing. I only regret the fact I didn't go on one ten years ago and try tackling it sooner!
As far as tips go, it depends if you have any particular thing which 'triggers' being unable to go - for me it's always been either a) proximity or b) quiet environments, so going (or not, as the case may be!), was audible to others around me (who are of course entirely disinterested in me, but it's not always easy to tell my brain that!). I found, as a result, that either having earphones in with music playing, or singing to myself (really!) made it easier to go, be it in a cubicle or urinal, although singing at the latter would probably not be recommended! Andrew would dissuade me from relying on music through earphones now, as it would technically be classed as a 'safety behaviour' (I think there's a section on the website about this), but as a fallback option to help with difficult situations, I found that very useful.
Best wishes with everything
Re: My experience
Posted by Carl W-Mids on 30/6/2015, 8:33 pm, in reply to "Re: My experience"
Hi Bill,
Thank you for the reply and yes much of what you say sounds very familiar.
I'm pretty much 99% sure I am going to attend a workshop, just need to decide which one.
Re: My experience
Posted by Roy on 2/7/2015, 10:56 am, in reply to "Re: My experience"
Hi Carl,as Andrew says if it's painful when you insert the catheter the size is probably wrong and you should desist.You then go on to say that it's probably your mind that is repelled by this.Well this is perfectly normal as the body will try to reject it,but unlike normal peeing you have physical control over it.So override these fears by trying again a second time,make sure your hands are scrupulously clean and just feed the catheter in.On reaching the sphincter you will encounter resistance but one firm push and you will be in the bladder and the urine will flow till the bladder is empty.Then try it again the next day,so overriding your brains revulsion.You will find that your brain is now accepting this procedure and you will have an antidote to a full bladder and no way of relieving it.Hope this helps.
), after hitting my late 20's I gave up booze completely and since then I have struggled with the condition when going out, like others I sometimes hold off drinking liquids hours before I go out. 
