A tough week.

Posted by Matt on 21/12/2013, 8:21 pm

Yesterday I woke up, needing to crap, and, I think, needing to pee. So I sit down and do my main business, but can't pee. I feel like I'm stopping other people in the house from using the bathroom because I'm not quick enough. So I persevere, maybe not a good idea, and end up feeling more and more anxious as the minutes tick by. Every minute I'm not peeing, I'm taking up more of the time in the bathroom that others may need. So I ended with failure, and I felt it deeply and I think I punished myself too hard for this, and I know this is not a good thing to do. I understand that by doing this I fed the phobia and it impacted my whole day. The week had been very stressful; works' final-week rush to get things done before the holiday's and on top of that a falling out with my girlfriend (unrelated to paruresis). With all this stress, I was struggling to relax in all situations, let alone in the toilet where I am most anxious, and this led to a week of mis-fires and failures to pee that I took too personally. After not peeing in the morning, I went to work after forcing a glass of water down my throat and also a sports drink in order to hydrate myself and bring on a genuine urgency by the time I arrive. I went straight for the toilet (cubicle), and couldn't go. I could eventually go a few hours later when sitting and in complete privacy, but my stream was not healthy. It continued like this all day and only as I was leaving (after everyone else had gone home) could I finally relax, standing, and relive myself naturally and fully. I was not indifferent about any of this, and I know now that my happiness at my relief will only feed the paruresis. (please watch MikeT's videos to understand what this means) I was also anxious because my girlfriend was meeting me and I didn't want to be late, I wanted to leave work on time and with a comfortable bladder, and was striving too hard towards this all day. I was trying to rush my toilet breaks in order to get my work done in time, and growing more and more anxious that I would not have enough time for my work if I waste time trying to pee and not succeeding. To end on a better note, my girlfriend and I patched things up and spent our first full night together, we watched a film, slept well together and I started to relax again. I had to get up to pee during the night and my urgency was high enough to make that relatively easy, and although I still had to sit in order to relax enough to empty my bladder, I did so again in the afternoon before she left. I'm looking ahead to joining a beginners workshop, and in the mean time I intend to put into practice some of the ideas that MikeT shares in his videos, trying to break the avoidance pattern and come to terms with my condition.