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35 years on from getting this problem I have not had a lock up for as long as I can remember. Life has more or less returned to normal. Recently went in to a busy town centre gents, there was a queue of about five or six men waiting for a cubicle while two urinals were left unattended. Grabbed the right one did my business, washed my hands, and walked out passed the queue. I felt about ten feet tall. Well, briefly. I then remembered decades earlier when I would have left with a full bladder rather than face the nightmare. I felt good, but you are only as good as your next wee - so to speak.
These days I still avoid peeing with friends, or being second in at cramped two bowl setups with no privacy, but apart from that can deal with most situations.
In some ways I'd like to tackle the last two issues, but it is not essential to me anymore, life is fine again. But if there is anyone in Berkshire (at any paruresis level) who would like to meet up for a pint then give me a shout. I am happy to chat to anyone that has had their life blighted by this problem.
Re: Getting There
Posted by Andrew on 17/12/2013, 3:28 pm, in reply to "Getting There"
Hi James
Well done, and thanks for recognising where you came from.
Some possible help with the last two issues:
1. Cramped two bowl situations. It is very very common for the second person to use the cubicle openly. So no issue there.
2. Friends: rather than stand there with your friend in silence, which is unnatural, keep the conversation going as you walk to the toilet together and continue while in there. Guys who practice this on workshops find that once they have got over the novelty, it is easier than peeing in silence.
Hope that helps.
BTW did you go to any workshops?
Andrew
Re: Getting There
Posted by Bill on 17/12/2013, 4:21 pm, in reply to "Getting There" Edited by board administrator 17/12/2013, 8:03 pm
Hi James,
Good to read your post. It was interesting to read as I am in a similar situation to you in that I feel I am 'getting there' with overcoming this and can handle situations with more confidence whereas previously I'd have seen one person using a urinal and headed straight for a cubicle - I've started putting myself in increasingly difficult positions and this time of year is a good time to test yourself as public places are really busy. The one thing I'm learning is not to panic and that there is never any rush - sometimes in really busy situations I can panic and try and force myself to go immediately as in my mind that is what I imagine other people are expecting me to do, which is utter nonsense obviously as firstly nobody cares, but also is the worst thing you can do as it just leads to locking up. I'm also similar to you in that I also currently try and avoid going at the same time as friends, I always have done ever since school days, which is a bit of a pain cos it means you're often looking over your shoulder trying to slip off without anyone tagging along going 'yeah I need to go too'. All entirely irrational but it's something I'm making steps to rectify in the new year, you can't reverse 15-20 years of avoidant behaviour overnight after all.
Cheers
Re: Getting There
Posted by James on 17/12/2013, 5:06 pm, in reply to "Re: Getting There"
Hi Andrew and Bill,
Thank you for your responses and advise.
I have not attended any workshops. Problems started way before the internet, and so had to cope with this on my own.
This website has been a good source of information, and I wish it had been around in the late seventies / early 80's.
I suspected I was not alone as friends also seemed to be sneaking off to the loo when the coast appeared clear. In the 80's I sat next to a guy at work, and one day we both had a lock up side by side in gents. We just stood there, both of us looking rather sheepish. In the end we both left without managing to go. Sadly we never discussed what happened.
Websites like this would have informed us of the need to be more open about this, rather than clam up and sweep it under the carpet.
