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I was asked by Andrew some time ago to post up some coping mechanisms that I found useful to help me get to a point where I can at least function in public – although still only in cubicles - and in other people’s homes (which I wasn’t able to for 15 years). Gaping: this sounds odd, but I found that a silent primal scream, initially out of frustration, actually helped to relax my abdomen and my bladder sphincter. I throw my head back, open my mouth and breathe out from my chest as if screaming. Fantasising: sometimes if I was in a pub drinking and I couldn’t go I would make an excuse and go out for cash/Rizla papers, whatever (making my excuses) and urinate in the car park or take a walk and find a hedge or an alley. Eventually I just started to say to myself “if you don’t go soon you can always walk out of here and find a quiet spot somewhere”, and this helped reassure me. It got to the stage where, if I needed to, I would start to fantasise about this possibility to ridiculous extremes (making myself laugh at the absurdity of it), like “if you don’t go soon you’re going to walk out of here and piss in the back garden of the house next door” or wherever… It’s not something I have ever done, but the distraction of these thoughts allowed me to relax sufficiently to go. No-one cares: Gradually, I began to consider that no-one really cares what I am doing in this cubicle (either in public venues or in friend’s homes). In public, I noticed that lots of people use cubicles to urinate in and they aren’t thought any the less of by their mates. I could be sick or just needing to be in there because I wanted to use toilet paper to blow my nose – and if necessary I would cough and splutter so that people outside would think I had a legitimate reason to be in this cubicle for more than the “average” amount of time. I still can’t use public urinals unless I’m reasonably sure that no-one is going to come in. If they do, I still sometimes dry up, but sometimes I am able to just carry on. Mostly I still just head straight for the cubicle. I am hoping that when I attend one of the workshops I will learn some coping strategies for use in urinals.
Hi Geoff Yes you will find those coping strategies will transfer to a urinal very quickly. I used to only be confident using cubicles (and at times struggled with cubicles) but now I often prefer to use urinals. Mostly this is due to the coping strategies I learnt on the workshops I attended, and also through a lot of practice (I found going into busy urinals - e.g. large train stations, service stations etc) and standing at the urinals for one minute was enough to reduce and eliminate my fear of them. I do still tell myself 'the cubicle is always there if need it' - which is usually enough to get a flow going at the urinal (funny I only noticed that after reading your post!)..... To reiterate, getting a flow going is not the aim, atleast at first... first aim is to stay at the urinal and observe your anxiety, and calm it down. Only when there is no anxiety can you think about peeing (a lot of people end up peeing almost by accident when stood at the urinal 'faking it'). Hope that helps.
Well, the one thing I can say is, on the occasion that I have used the urinal (almost always when there is absolutely no one else in the rest room) and someone comes in - frequently, that guy goes to the stall and pees standing up, maybe without closing the door. It's interesting. Is it a courtesy thing or does the guy have shy bladder? Who f'n cares? I have never once looked at the guy and thought, gee do you have shy bladder too?? So, if I"M not doing that, it's unlikely anyone is judging me. It's all in my bloody head!