Manchester Beginners' Workshop: six weeks on

Posted by Conor on 1/3/2012, 10:04 pm

First, my positives: it's been six weeks since the workshop, and for the first five of those, I managed to fit in at least some de-sensing every day or three. I could be negative here, and wonder why I haven't managed to do longer de-sensing sessions, but there has been another positive spin-off from the workshop for me: I've stopped giving myself such a hard time. (I used to feel a lot of shame around my paruresis, shame that seeped into other areas.) So, for me, family and work commitments have meant longer sessions like those we had in Manchester haven't been an option. Instead it's been more about grabbing fairly impromptu de-sensing sessions whenever I can - 'Oh, yes dear, I'll pop around to Tesco's.' That sort of thing. (My wife's delighted with Andrew!) But back to my actual experience of de-sensing. Well, the best thing for me is that I am allowing myself mis-fire. (No, actually, the best bit is definitely when I can go. I feel a kiddie wo-hoo! feeling that is hard to beat.) But, to put it differently, maybe the most important change for me is in allowing myself mis-fire - this does so much for me: 1) it means that I only get nervous (if I do) when I'm about to make my way to a toilet - for three decades of my life (####ing hell... ) I would be tense for hours, even days, before a social event. For three decades, I wouldn't have even contemplated taking on going in public when it wasn't absolutely necessary. So now at least, my time before going out isn't filled with avoiding cups of tea, endless voiding of my bladder, needless headaches from dehydration, etc. (Madness... ) 2) with that pressure off (or, at least, lessened - I do mostly still feel a degree of nervousness approaching toilets), I can often go! I did have one 'bad' misfire experience where I panicked, got into stinkin' thinkin' and thought all the good work I'd done on the workshop had been for nought. (And all this in about five seconds flat!) This negativity stayed lurking within until, thankfully, about three days later I went back. And I could go! (Re-reading some of the literature in the interim period helped.) For me, the advice Andrew gave about physically relaxing has been really great. As I walk towards toilets, I find dropping my shoulders, relaxing my anal sphincter, breathing in a slow devil-may-care way and swinging my arms like a Tony Soprano goon all make for very possible, even probable success. (I don't care what I look like!) I find if I concentrate on not looking around me, that can help. I also find myself reassured by the fact that so many other men don't stride in like Charles Bronson. Before the workshop, that would never have occurred to me. But it's a fact that we are not alone - this thing is definitely on a sliding scale: we're just a little farther down it than most other men; but we're not that different. Lastly, does anyone else find that the more alpha-male the company, the more daunting it is? (I know I said I try not to look around, but sometimes you just can't miss things.) Also, does anyone else find if you're a bit down or under confident because of something else, that it all feels more difficult, too? Anyway, that's enough from me for the moment. Hope it's going okay for all of you (and for anyone else reading this message); if for some reason it isn't for any of you, don't give up. I'm not going to, even though I'm a long way off being 'normal' yet. Cheers, Conor.