Re: Newcomer

Posted by Andrew on 7/2/2011, 2:47 pm, in reply to "Newcomer"

Hi Dave Good to hear from you and glad you have found this haven. I would put you at the mild end of the spectrum; you can handle urinals if there is space and you are not with friends; however closer proximity inhibits you. First it is worth knowing that it is common for guys to not like the cramped pub toilet, and to not like troughs or standing next to someone – hence urinal etiquette, google it!. The reason everyone seems to be able to do it is, I think, a case of self-selection; those who don’t like it keep away. Feedback from a participant at our last workshop resulting from his now using public toilets was “Amazingly many other men are taking an age to pee or are misfiring all around me.” So what can you do. First make sure you have read all the advice on our website (not this forum); especially the page on the components of a CBT approach; there is too much to repeat it all here. Consider buying Steve Soifer’s book Shy Bladder Syndrome via Amazon. Consider attending one of our workshops – the feedback posted here shows it is worth doing. As an intro only, the three main areas are: Physical; the breathing relaxation you are learning is very helpful; make sure you learn to how relax your sphincter as well. Mental: list the negative thoughts that trigger your anxiety. Look for evidence that they are based on fact – you are not likely to find any evidence – develop a positive response to these thoughts. Feel free to list these here or to send them to me by email, so we can develop your positive responses. Desensitisation. Get the details on how to do this from the website. The main thing is to forget about standing next to someone or using a trough because there are intermediate steps you have to accustom yourself to first. Given your level, a good place to start is a motorway services or a shopping mall; practice at a level of separation you are comfortable with until you are confident you can go at that level. Only then consider reducing the separation by one urinal; practice that until you are confident there. Then reduce separation again. When you need to fallback on a cubicle, treat it like a urinal i.e. let the door swing and pee loud and proud in the water. To repeat; another workshop participant reported afterwards that he was at work with a colleague and a contractor. Somehow the conversation got round to using urinals – not at his bidding! They all three agreed they did not like urinals. The contractor, a very confident type, did not see his preference as a problem. In a pub with two urinals and one cubicle: if one urinal is in use, it is OK to not crowd the other guy, but to use the cubicle instead. Remember also that he is part way through peeing and so will leave in about 10 seconds. Read and learn about hesitancy period and waiting people out. If you are first, you can stand towards the center and so reduce standing space at the other urinal, so encouraging anyone coming in to use the cubicle! As far as friends go: one of the stumbling blocks with public toilets is the unnatural silence when you can hear a pin drop. The advantage of being with friends is that you can chat, or better still get them chatting. If they finish first, they feel awkward leaving you, but don’t want to hang around; so get them off the hook by saying something like “don’t wait for me, I’ll catch you up, and btw its your round!”. You can even have a script in your head to make a joke about it “the trouble with turning 50, things slow down!” Finally you cannot practice too much. At a services, using fluid loading and the 3 second pee, you should be able to go 6 to 10 times in 45 minutes. Phew; that has to be enough for now; do re-read all this and get back to us, OK? Cheers Andrew