This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
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Posted by David on 25/1/2011, 11:44 am Message modified by board administrator 25/1/2011, 12:52 pm
I’m 53 and have suffered from AP since my early teens. In common with many of us blighted by AP I thought my problem was unique, and was too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone. It’s a very lonely place to be.
In my mid 30’s I did mention it to my doctor, who was not really aware of AP as such, but did refer me to a therapist. Looking back, this guy did have some understanding of the issues, although his approach to de-sensing was somewhat brutal and doomed to failure.
The only other people I have told are my ex wife (who couldn’t really understand the problem), and my current wife, who is very supportive.
In recent years I have read and seen on TV the occasional reference to AP and the term “shy bladder” – why I never thought to google it, I don’t know. When I finally did, in October last year, I was amazed to find that UKPT existed, and that there was an active source of information and support from fellow sufferers.
A quick look on the forum at comments from previous workshop attendees convinced me that this was something worth trying, so I enrolled immediately. I had constant misgivings and daft thoughts ever since (perhaps it’s all a scam to expose my problem to the world?????) – but managed to dismiss these for what they were and duly turned up last Friday evening.
At 6.55, I walked into the meeting room with a high degree of anxiety. Within 5 minutes, there was a small group of us, all feeling the same. And, guess what, they all looked completely normal. Yes, it was a bit uncomfortable at first, but I quickly realised that we were all in the same boat, heard loads of comments that I could relate to, and soon felt much more at ease.
That evening, over a couple of beers in the bar, I was amazed to find that we all seemed to want to carry on talking about our past experiences. Having bottled it all up for nearly 40 years it is hard to describe the feelings of relief that, not only could I be completely open about my AP, but that everyone had very similar stories to tell. I was no longer alone.
Saturday morning dawned and the de-sensing sessions beckoned. Anxiety levels increased again. Before the first session, our leaders took us through techniques and strategies to help us to cope – these were added to, discussed and reinforced throughout the day. It was helpful to be reminded that we were all going to start at a point at which we were individually comfortable, and would progress in small steps – entirely under our control. No one had to do anything they were uncomfortable with.
By the end of Saturday I was buzzing. I had managed to pee in circumstances I would have thought impossible only 12 hours earlier. That evening, it was good to unwind with my new friends, again talking openly about our AP (and even laughing about it), and many other things besides.
Sunday morning brought more of the same – de-sensing sessions, and reinforcement of the techniques discussed the previous day. Finally, we gave some thought about how we would each continue to progress as we returned to our daily routines.
My thoughts a couple of days later? The workshop is not a quick cure, but the start of a journey. It is going to require commitment to stick to and practice what I’ve learned, and it is good to know that support is available to me when I need it.
My overriding feeling is one of optimism for the future. For the first time in around 40 years I have a genuine belief that I can get on top of my AP, and stop it dictating what I chose to do. When I talked to my wife on Sunday evening, and again as I’ve just typed this paragraph, I have been unable to stop the tears welling up, such is the relief and hope I now feel. Powerful stuff this workshop!
If you’re thinking about enrolling on a workshop – don’t think. Just do it. It can only help you. Don’t delay.
Finally, my thanks to Andrew, Dan, Colin and all my new friends, for helping me make the first steps. And my boo monster? Well, he can just eff off.
I attended the beginners’ workshop in London. I was apprehensive about going, especially 5 minutes before it was due to start whilst I was sitting in my hotel room. The workshop is held in a private meeting room in the hotel and is all very discreet, no one in the hotel knows or cares why you are there as it is quite a large hotel.
Andrew and Dan immediately made me feel at ease when I arrived. There was a good bunch of guys on the course, and meeting them all made the whole thing seem a lot more normal.
There is no de-sensing on the first night, just an introduction and a couple of drinks down in the hotel bar. It did feel a bit odd talking about your problem with everyone in the hotel bar, but liberating at the same time. The next couple of days were spent de-sensing and being given additional information and tips on overcoming paruresis.
I exceeded my expectations on what I thought I could achieve by attending the workshop.
Thanks again to Andrew, Dan and Colin and also to all the guys who were on the workshop, everyone was so supportive. If you are thinking about attending a workshop then I would definitely recommend it, you will not be disappointed.
My biggest feeling after the workshop was why oh why didn't I do this years ago. I actually made an international flight to get to the workshop and still felt it was totally worthwhile. It was one of the most incredible feelings of my life to meet a bunch of people, none of whom I would ever guess had AP, in the same room and then spend time with them. The feeling of shared experience with the nightmare that is AP is incredibly liberating.
The other part is that everybody is really supportive. It's like no matter what kind of person you are in your normal everyday business life. You feel you want to help the people on the course as you know how bad the problem is. There was a feeling of genuine camaraderie. It must be like a bunch of war veterans meeting up and all knowing what the others have been through.
I made incredible progress and pissed into a public urinal for the first time in 20 years. I could never have believed that would be possible. I now always go to the urinal first for a try and if I misfire I leave and come back later to either try again or if desperate have a noisy water splashing pee in the cubicle. I have carried on desensing. And while I have a lot of misfires. Its all desense in the bank. Amazingly many other men are taking an age to pee or are misfiring all around me. Makes you realise once you get back out on the front line that we are not actually alone. It's just how we perceive our misfires.
For those who know that I was anxious on the course about having a pee at my new girlfriends flat. I managed it last night after standing at her toilet with the door open after 5 minutes. But rather than get really AP'd I just laughed it off and carried on trying. I thought even normal people can take some time. So don't think AP. Just think normal male with extremely bad hesitation
Good luck to all the guys on the course, thanks to Andrew, Dan and Colin. And all the best to all of you.
I too have been on the January London workshop and have found the exprience to be a revelation. I am now in my late fifties and have suffered fron AP since my early teens and I thought for many years that I was alone with my condition. The discovery of UKPT has proved to be a lifeline as I read the many postings describing experiences like my own.
I made up my mind and booked on to the January London workshop and turned up on the Friday evening feeling somewhat apprehensive. This feeling soon passed as we were all put more at ease by Andrew and Dan introducing us to the schedule for the weekend. We all met in the bar that evening and I think that sharing this common condition spurred us all on to be more optomistic about what we might achieve.
The format for Saturday introduced us to graduated exposure to desensing which was at our own pace with no one being pressurised into feeling uncomfortable with their progress. This was followed by an evening meal at a nearby Mall and we all discussed our progress without our previous inhibitions or secrecy getting in the way. I would like to add that I had now used public urinals in the company of others that only the day before I had not done for many , many years.
The Sunday session built on the foundations we had started on Saturday and I can honestly say that this workshop really did exceed my expectations on what I previously thought I might achieve. To that end I managed to use public toilet urinals at a motorway services on my way home later that day. I have now had further expeditions this week to the Bluewater shopping mall and have managed to use the facilities successfully.
I feel really pleased that I have been on this workshop and I think I can now make further progress using the information and methods learned over the weekend. I would really recommend that anyone who suffers from this secret phobia should attend one of these workshops and experience what can be achieved.
I would like to finish by thanking Andrew, Dan and Colin for running these workshops and the charity with all the time and effort given to help others suffering from AP.
I also attended the workshop last weekend, I had been thinking about getting on one for a few years but always found one reason or another not to go. Having decided to face my fears, I traveled to the workshop feeling very anxious about what to expect and whether I was doing the right thing.
What can I say, the workshop has given me a huge amount of belief that I can overcome this disability. As soon as you walk in to the meeting room you realize straight away that you are not alone and all the other guys are just normal people you could meet any day of the week. There is no pressure to do anything and the first evening is spent discussing paruresis before heading to the bar were for the first time in 20 years I felt at ease discussing my phobia with other people outside my family.
Over the next two days I tried desensing and can not believe how much progress I made. By Sunday morning I was peeing in my en-suite with the door open and two guys in the same room, later that morning I used the urinal in the hotel toilets. Unbelievable!
I realize this is just the start and I will only improve if I keep following the great advice I was given over the whole weekend, I know my condition is pretty severe but if I can make this much progress in two days then anything is possible if I keep on working at it.
Many thanks to all the guys who attended, it was a pleasure to meet you all and I really hope things are working out for you. To Andrew, Dan and Colin, thank you so much for all the work you put into this charity, you really are amazing people and deserve a huge amount of credit for running these workshops.
If you suffer from paruresis, please book yourself onto a workshop and start living your life without fear.
My feedback is somewhat belated, but I also attended the workshop. I was feeling anxious right up until I went into the meeting room, not helped by the fact I was 10 mins late! All of this soon vanished and I felt totally at ease, It was great to discuss AP with the others at the bar that night.
The desenseing and techniques learned is invaluable, and makes you realise that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Ofcourse hard work and dedication is required in the long run, but when you find yourself urinating in situations you never thought possible, It gives you so much optimism for the future.
You are put totally at ease, Andrew, Dan and Colin are great people. Thanks for all your help and advice.
It was a pleasure to meet you all, and I wish you all further success!
If you are a sufferer and you are reading this, dont hesitate to sign up and attend a workshop. You will never regret it.
Hi, I'd just like to echo the sentiments of everyone else that was at the meeting. I'm 25 and this problem has been driving me nuts for years. I've finally now got a gameplan for getting back on top of this thing and have been feeling a lot more confident about my ability to beat it.
It was great to finally meet some people with the same problem. I knew they existed in theory but to turn up and not see a bunch of weirdos, just normal guys was a relief!
It may sound strange to some who may read this but I really enjoyed the wole process of the workshop and it has given me some rational evidence to rely on when I'm having any difficulties.
If you are out there reading this and considering going to one yourself just do it. I put it off for at least 3 or 4 years because I hoped it would go away or I was embarrased and if I'd gone then I'd probably have won the battle by now. I'm not saying it wasn't a nerve racking decision but it was one of the best I've made in a long time.
Everybody there is in the same boat and you won't find more supportive people to help you!
Copying this email I sent to Andrew not long ago (after a looooooong delay):
"I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for what you've done to help me (and undoubtedly many others).
Going to the workshop flipped some kind of mental switch. Now, 95%+ of the time, I don't worry before I go out, or before I head to the loo - and bang, the issue is rendered minor. I don't need to go as much, I don't spend all my time thinking about it, and it doesn't get in the way of my day-to-day life. I can't express how much that means to me; such a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I'm not cured yet, of course, and one day I'll find the appropriate time and spare money to go to a follow-up workshop. Incidental practice, taking opportunities to go when I'm out and about, has so far proved remarkably successful, far more than I could've achieved this easily before the workshop. I have an en-suite bathroom this year (of uni), and so I'm going to do a decent amount of dedicated desensing practice this holiday in the same vein as the stuff we did at the workshop. I'm curious to see how far I can get and how quickly, and how easy it is to reattain a previous achievement on repeated attempts.
