U.K. PARURESIS TRUST

UK paruresis trust

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Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug

Posted by John on 20/12/2010, 8:43 pm
Message modified by board administrator 23/12/2010, 8:27 am

Hello

I have discovered this site after I decided to look into the problem I have. Its good to know that I'm not alone. A few weeks ago I was made redundant, I worked for 6 years in an small office that had about 8 other male employees. I coped in this job by constantly keeping an eye on who was leaving the room in the direction of the toilets, always ensuring I went when everyone else was working, I just about managed.

I started a new job 2 weeks ago, IT first line helpdesk support. There are about 100 male employees working on the floor, there are 2 toilets at either end of the open plan floor both very small with 1 cubical and 2 urinals. When I discovered this I was extremely dissapointed, of course I can only use the cubical I am unable to use a urinal. Throughout my 2 weeks of training I was dehydrated, I wasnt drinking enough in order to minimise my toilet useage. I was walking into town every day going subway for my lunch as they only have a disabled toilet there. I was coming home every night in pain dying for a pee, feeling like a freak, a failure, a poor excuse for a man cause I cant use a urinal. I would be in fear of the time I would need to go, having to watch the toilets hoping I got the timing right and that there would be little activity and nobody using the cubical. Today I had enough, I was dying for the loo, I went in and someone was in the cubical, I walked all the way across the floor to the other toilet and once again someone in the cubical. I felt like people on the floor (its open plan) were watching me. I realised I couldnt continue in the job even though I liked the work, of course when I said I was quitting I got nasty looks, I couldnt admit the truth so I just had to say I didnt like it.

I have always tried to put this problem to the back of my mind but its ruining my life, I now have no job. I have applied to work at a place my friend works at after enquiring with him how many cubicals the toilets have. I really dont want to be someone whos only interest when it comes to looking for a job is what the toilets are like! I wish there was a cure. How does everyone else cope at the workplace? Im so down about everything right now...

Re: Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug

Posted by Mark L on 20/12/2010, 9:23 pm, in reply to "Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug"

Hi John,

Sorry to hear about you having to leave your job. I know how hard it is as I used to work in an office with about 8 men and only 1 toilet. At first it didnt happen but after a few days/weeks it became a place I could go all the time.

It can be hard to break that hurdle, I wouldnt have fancied working where you did!

Have you read the post at the top regarding the workshops? It is something that will really help you out and you can make significant improvements. If you read the main web page, there is some really helpful advice on there too.

In the meantime, you can start de-sensing on your own (motorway service stations are good or large shopping centres) to help get you more accustomed to being in toilets.

Get your self booken onto a workshop, then Im sure you will find yourself applying for that job again!

Speak soon,

Mark

Re: Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug

Posted by Andrew on 23/12/2010, 8:26 am, in reply to "Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug"

Hi John

Its good that you have found this site, and I can well understand why you feel so down. The good news is that there is a way ahead for you. Have you read all the info and advice on our website (i.e. not this forum) the link is at the top of the page.

Mark recommended that you attend one of our workshops, and we have one in London in January. Honestly you will find it very helpful.

As for your experiences. One of the components of paruresis is self-consciousness, which means that the individual relates everything happening around him as being to do with him.

So in your second story about trying both toilets, you felt the room was seeing your behaviour as odd. BUT you could have been going for a dump, found the first cubicle occupied, so went to the second toilet to use its cubicle; nothing odd about that. The problem is that because you felt you were behaving oddly, your body language would give the game away! Someone who was not self-conscious, would not have been thinking about what he thought the room was thinking about him.

As for people being in the cubicle. In those small toilets with only two urinals, it is common for blokes to prefer not to stand next to each other; i.e. if a bloke walks in and sees one urinal being used, he could go and use the cubicle openly. First bloke finishes and leaves; you walk in and find the cubicle occupied. See how it goes?

You say you felt "a freak, a failure, a poor excuse for a man cause I cant use a urinal". Well, women get shy bladder as well - and we cant accuse them of being poor excuses for a man, can we? Its nothing to do with gender, all to do with a fear reaction.

The workshop gives you a safe place to address this fear in little manageable steps, in a controlled way, where you are in control all the time.

So do post again on this forum, use it as your friend where you can talk about it safely OK?

cheers

Andrew

Re: Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug

Posted by Colin on 26/12/2010, 12:09 pm, in reply to "Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug"

Hi John
You are lucky. You have found this website. Others have yet to do so. But you are now on the road to recovery from this difficult condition. Soak up all the information on the website, read what others have posted on the discussion board, but most of all become more and more positive that something can be done about it.
We are all sufferers here, so we know what you are experiencing. Post your concerns and questions on the board, and gain support from the responses.
And DO book that workshop as soon as you can. It will make all the difference for you.

Re: Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug

Posted by Liam (DG7 soon to be M16) on 4/1/2011, 9:34 pm, in reply to "Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug"

I feel for you.

Re: Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug

Posted by Lusy on 7/1/2011, 10:44 am, in reply to "Re: Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug"

I, too, have worked in an office environment almost exactly as you describe, with the added 'bonus' of having to log into the phones a certain number telling the bosses that not only have I got to the toilet but how long I'm there for!
I eventually, due to being pulled up for 'going too often' (due to abortive attempts) had to come clean and explain that I had a condition that caused me to either not go at all, or take a while to get started. I had to ask Andrew for leaflets so that I had actual information to back up what I was saying. After that though, they let me get on with it and left me alone, which was nice. I usually had to take the lift up the highest floor to use the loo though, but still.

My point is, that you're not alone with this. yes, I'm female and my experiences are somewhat different, but the feeling of uselessness and 'freakness' are still there...they are not remotely gender specific.

Re: Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug

Posted by The Therapist on 11/1/2011, 10:39 pm, in reply to "Had to quit my job because of this - why isnt there a miracle drug"

The key statement here is "I coped in this job by constantly keeping an eye on who was leaving the room in the direction of the toilets, always ensuring I went when everyone else was working, I just about managed."

I used to do this also before I become a therapist and treated myself. Its called a safety behaviour and unfortunately it tells the brain that there is a genuine danger.This causes the brain to fire the anxiety response which stops you going.

The secret to improving or beating pauresis is to gradually drop these safety behaviours and systematically desensitise. It can take a few months for the brain to learn that there is no danger but it does learn and the condition can be massively improved.

Recommend you to one of the workshops or find a CBT therapist who has some experience of pauresis.

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