U.K. PARURESIS TRUST

UK paruresis trust

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Starting a new thread

Posted by Geoff P on 14/4/2009, 10:48 am

Hi Pete,

Thought it would be fair to Simon to start a new thread.

It will be great to see you in London. And thanks for your comment about me encouraging you to go. There's nothing better than being able to do something positive in someone elses life, is there! I'm planning on spending the Friday visiting a few art galleries. Tate Modern is my favourite. I just love the building, let alone the art.

As far as things at work, I've been careful to avoid using the urinals when there is a high chance of the boss coming in again. I did find that experience very difficult.

Also, I've needed to use a number of unfamiliar toilets over recent days. It's been interesting but a bit distressing to find that I've baulked at using the urinals when there has been any chance of someone coming in. In fairness to myself, one had a short trough and one had just two very low individual urinals, like they sometimes put one suitable for children. Neither of these give any privacy at all, so you can't pretend you're going when you're not.

I really don't want to be taking a backwards step at this stage. I think I just need to keep doing what I know I can do until it's a firmly established part of me. Any encouragement gratefully received!

Cheers for now,

Geoff.

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Mark L on 14/4/2009, 7:16 pm, in reply to "Starting a new thread"

Hi Geoff,

Your comment about taking a backwards step is spot on! Im the same. If something is too challenging, then dont do it as it will knock your confidence. You can fake it if you like, as you wont be dissapointed if you dont go.

So as you mentioned, keep at the stage you can manage untill it becomes easy, then move on the the next step.

Also, its good that the two of you are going on the same workshop. It will put you more at ease knowing that there is someone there you already know. Although, by the end of it, you will know everyone else equally!

Mark

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Robin on 15/4/2009, 6:38 am, in reply to "Starting a new thread"

Hi Geoff and Pete,

Just to reiterate what Mark has said about workshops. You will make more progress than you expect and you will have a great time in the process. Both workshops I have been on involved meeting a great bunch of people who support each other, have a laugh and you will keep in touch with some of them afterwards. The workshops are superbly led by Andrew and Colin. You will go home feeling really good!

Good luck guys,

Robin

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Pete L on 15/4/2009, 2:52 pm, in reply to "Starting a new thread"

Hi Geoff

If you would like some company viewing the art work, i'd be happy to join you. No offence taken if not.

I fully agree with you not wanting to take a step back. I went out last night with another Paruretic, who has already been on a beginners course. So as not to push myself, I went in to the cubicle on both occasions - This to me is my first step as I have not been in pub/ restaurant toilets for many years. Apart from when I went to Cambridge the other week. I am more than happy at this stage to be able to go out without feeling anxious. It's a great feeling!

Not sure if you remember, I mentioned going away for the bank holiday weekend. Its a long trip, about 5 hours, but I drank before and during the trip so as to fill the bladder. Anyway, I was determined to make a stop for the first time so, after about an hour, I turned off on to a large layby, where there are toilets and a cafe. My partner went first while I sat with the children. During this time, I found myself watching the toilets for people going in and out but very consciously realised what I was doing so turned away so as not to see. When my partner came back, I marched off on my mission!! I had no intentions of using the urinals, which I point out only had 1 person there, but headed straight to the cubicle, and guess what..... I managed fine. No more counting I told myself! I walked back to the car with a huge grin on my face as I so chuffed with myself.

The rest of the weekend was spent with family so, when I needed to go, I used the toilets in their home. I have no problem with this, providing there is a lock. On the way home, we stopped at McDonalds, I didn't need to go for a pee so waited in the car while the family ordered food and freshened up. I did keep thinking 'Do I, Don't I' but I thought about it too much so didn't bother. Wish I had now, never mind. That'll be the challenge for next time.

The most positive thing for me is that, the last 3 times i've been out, I have managed not to worry about walking on to a public toilet with the level of anxiety that would normally stop me. These 3 experiences (i know not many) are better than none, which, in turn, have made for a truly enjoyable time. Not having a full bladder is fantastic!!

Looking forward to meeting you Geoff and everybody else who's going too.

Pete L

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Geoff P on 16/4/2009, 10:42 am, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

Hi Pete,

Well done on your progress over your weekend trip . I was wondering how you had got on. You seem to be setting yourself realistic challenges, which is far better than overdoing it. Every time you make even a small step, you're getting closer to victory! Does your partner know about your AP? My wife knows but we don't really talk about it much.

It would be great to see you at the Tate. I have'nt booked my train yet, but we can make arrangements nearer the time.

Looking forward to meeting you Pete,

Geoff

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Pete L on 16/4/2009, 12:09 pm, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

Hi Geoff

Yes my partner knows about it, I put this on my first thread (it is on Bea's thread). I told her when I first met her as I didn't feel it fair to keep this condition a secret, especially given the effect it has on ones own life, never mind a relationship. She is very supportive, and it doesn't get in the way of our relationship. Of course, I sometimes allow my mind to work overtime and start thinking that it does bother her, however, it's in my mind, not hers. Anyway, as i've recently heared someone from this site tell me 'where's the evidence'! I've not been thinking about it as much!

The fact that she's an occupational and systemic therapist is a great help as she has a great understanding of sociol phobias. In addition, we have been reading Soiffers book together so she understands the impact it has on my life.

All this being said, like what appears to be the norm, she too had no knowledge about this condition until she'd met me. I consider myself very fortunate to have a partner who is so supportive. It's been really good to share these passed few positive experiences I have had with her as she knows how much it means to me.

I'm assuming you are staying at the hotel where the course is being held? I have decided to drive there as the journey from Norwich shouldn't be too difficult, plus the fact that I don't have to drive through the middle of London to get there! I will be leaving early though just in case the roads get busy. The hotels quite close to the tubes too I believe so, therefore, it will be easy to get to the Tate......hopefully!

I have to say Geoff, I can't wait to do this. It feels more like i'm off on a little adventure...hope that doesn't sound sad!

Pete

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Pete L on 16/4/2009, 12:31 pm, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

Sorry Geoff, I got so involved with answering your question, I forgot to ask about your not discussing AP much with your wife.

Do you not talk about it for any particular reason? I found it extremely difficult myself to begin with as I was very embarrassed. In addition, at that time, I thought that I was alone with this, which seems along time ago now since i discovered this site, so I felt quite humiliated to open up. When you feel alone with something, and the nature of this condition certainly makes you feel alone, it's very hard to enter in to a discussion about it without feeling like ....... i'm struggling for the right words here...... a failure, slightly worthless, freakish, abnormal, alone..... I guess the right word depends on how you feel as an individual, perhaps.

I tell you what though, i don't feel like this half as much now!! I don't associate any of the above negaitve words with myself anymore. I thank you and everyone else on this site for this change in attitude.

You want to talk about it Geoff, i'm listening mate.

Pete

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Geoff P on 17/4/2009, 11:37 am, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

Hi Pete,

Yes I am staying at the hotel. And you're not alone in feeling excited about the whole thing.

As I've said before, I feel I've reached a bit of a ceiling in my progress. I simply can't start with anyone around and I'm finding this is adding to my anxiety at the moment. I've just got back from a walk down the town during which I needed a pee. I purposely waited until I got to the main, busier part of town, as the urinals there are more likely to be in use and therefore more of a challenge.

On my first attempt, there was someone in a cubicle, which should'nt have been too much of a problem, but I couldn't start. As I stood there, someone else came in and stood at the other end of the trough, so after a few seconds, I pretended to have finished.

I came back after a few minutes to try again but even on entering the place, which was empty, I felt more anxious than usual. I was followed in by another guy, so went for a cubicle.

I'm trying not to let this kind of experience discourage me too much but have to confess that I am struggling a bit at the moment.

I think I need to step back a little and use some quieter facilities again to regain my confidence. I'll let you know how it goes.

Really looking forward to meeting you and halving a good talk.

Cheers mate,

Geoff.

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Mark L on 19/4/2009, 10:12 pm, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

Hi Geoff,

Glad to see you're still practicing! Remember that missfires are part of the recovery process - they happen. A good thing on the workshop is you can quickly and easily alter the steps you take to make them managable to you.

Speak soon,

Mark.

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by K. on 10/5/2009, 2:53 pm, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

You are right Tate Modern is wonderful. BUT don't forget that in one gallery the urinal is a 'work of art' and is NOT to be used. Have a laugh when you see it, art should be appreciated

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by K on 10/5/2009, 2:57 pm, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

In case you have not visited the Tate:-
http://www.urinal.net/tate_modern/

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Geoff P on 11/5/2009, 10:40 am, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

HI K,
I've been to the Tate Modern several times and already enjoyed the urinal you mention!

Actually, I think I may go to the Saatchi gallery instead this time, as I've not been to its new building. I'm hoping Pete L will be joining me, but he hasn't posted for a while. Are you still there Pete?

Cheers,

Geoff.

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Pete L on 12/5/2009, 4:31 pm, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

Hi Geoff

Yes mate, i'm still here, sorry not to have been in touch sooner, it's been rather hectic my end (poor excuse for not getting in touch I know!) so I have not spent much time on the site.

Anyway, I will definately be coming to the Tate with you. Excited to be coming on the course does not describe how I feel about the whole thing.... I can't wait!

Had a couple of outings lately and, on all occasions, have managed to enter the toilets now with little or no fear whatsoever. I even managed a go at a urinal with no problems! Without wanting to put negativity on it though, I was alone, and I only did it the once. But hey, I took the chance whilst feeling brave and it paid off!

The same night, I stood almost next to someone but couldn't manage to go. I later went to the cubicle but left the door wide open, I managed just fine. I especially made sure I hit the middle of the pan so as to make as much noise as possible..... I think the whole restaurant must have heard me!!! I mentioned that I stood next to someone, he (I won't use name just yet)is also a paruretic, has attended a workshop,posts on this site regularly, but, more to the point, is beating this thing! We have met up several times now and have arranged 2 further meetings prior to the workshops. I may have suffered a misfire while standing next to him but I laughed about it and knew I could try again later without the slightest anxiety. Just incredible how my mindset has changed.

Again Geoff, and everyone else, sorry not to have been in touch - too much paperwork at the moment!

Best wishes to you all

Pete

Re: Starting a new thread

Posted by Geoff P on 13/5/2009, 10:56 am, in reply to "Re: Starting a new thread"

Hi Pete,

Glad you're still around

Sounds like you're doing a great job tackling the problem!! I recon you'll be coming on the course and telling the rest of us how to do it

Speak soon,

Geoff.