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Hello Im Greg. Im 21 and Ive been living with Paruresis for a long time now. I can only very vividly remember a time when i could pee in public completely care free. I must have been pretty young. Around 16 or 17 my problem became quite pronounced. I could barely pee in public unless i was sitting down, and at friends places it became increasingly difficult. To buy myself more time i would often (and still do) say I need to go number two. This usally gets me comfortable enough to let it flow. Lately however, this problem has come to a climax. I hardly go out as much as I used to because I constantly think/fear about what the situation will turn into. Will there be a safe bathhroom to pee? Will I have to make up an excuse to leave early (as I often do)? Will I be able to hold it if necessary? Etc... I feel AP dictates almost every move I make. There are so many things I want to do that I literally cant because of this condition! Im always getting invites from friends to join them on trips or weekend outtings. I always decline.. It kills me inside because I want nothing more than to join in on the fun! Im afraid to admit it but I feel its starting to change who I am. I sometimes think some of my friends must conclude that ive become a sort of shut-in. I want to scream and say "thats not whats going on!!!" But of course I dont, and I remain silent.
I recently broke down to my mother about whats been happening. She was very warm and understanding but wondered why I hadnt come to her earlier. I explained that theres no way for somebody without this condition to fully understand it. Its truely debilitating and emasculating. Im a young man for god sakes and my actions shouldnt be dictated by this!!! My mother is helpin pay for me to see a therapist. Ive seen him three times now and told him everything. Hes understanding and committed to helping, but I wonder what all he can do. Hes given me a few good pointers and even has me do this "thought repression" therapy. Its where I tap certain points on my body in order to reduce anxiety. I guess it works a little, but of cousre AP isnt retreating in the least.
I also confided in one of my closest friends just a few months ago. This was very tough for me but once I did it, I was elated. He was very understanding as well and told me he would do anything he could to help. I have yet to start "pee buddy" outings with him, but we will.
Sorry for how long this is, but I must lay everything out. My best friend has been workin for a Heating, Ventilation and Air Conditioning company for a few months now. I just started school a week ago to study the same field. My friend just informed me that they need another guy. He also just got his three month review and told me that in four years he will be fully trained and the company owner promised him a huge salary. This salary is an amount much larger than a school trained technician would make. He told me the job is mine, I just have to say the word. Ive dreamed of an oppertunity like this to come my way. However Im reluctant to take the offer, thanks to Paruresis. Im racking my brain trying to figure out a way to take this job. Im also racking my brain because Im finding it so hard to tell this friend about my Paruresis. He has told me what the work is like and it sounds like it may at times be quite difficult with my conditon. I want to tell him more than anybody. We've been so close since we were nine years old. Im just finding it so hard... I feel like Im at a crossroads. Would taking this job maybe help with recovery? Im so afraid that if I take it I'll find myself holding my pee for 8 hours straight. I couldnt deal with that. But then again maybe that wont happen and it wouldnt be so bad... Im deathly afraid of catheters and wonder if my condition is extreme enough to consider one. I know at times it is, but yikes.. Has anyone heard of desmopressin? Is that realistic?
Im determined to beat this beast! Ive had enough of this irrational way of life. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!
Thank you for taking your time to read this and ANY feedback would be greatly appreciated...
Re: What to do?
Posted by Jan on 2/9/2008, 7:49 pm, in reply to "What to do?"
Hey Greg,
Take the job!! Maybe start of with a workshop first, you will get a complete different point of view on the whole situation, believe me. Just read the feedback on the workshops, and about taking on a new job, read my note on the board about Facing the Fear. All of us used to be where you are, and it can change.
Good luck
Jan
Re: What to do?
Posted by Andrew on 2/9/2008, 8:47 pm, in reply to "What to do?"
Hi Greg
Well done for getting it all off your chest; this is the place to do it, and we are all people who understand totally what you are going through.
Well done also for telling your Mum, and telling your friend; it aint easy, but it is essential to do so; that way you can start to loosen the grip of secrecy.
You say you are finding it hard to tell your best friend. Look on our linked website for the page "How to tell someone"; it gives you a simple script that leads them in bit by bit in a way they can understand.
About your therapist: would he benefit from reading our website (the link is at the top of this page). Would he benefit by contacting us for suggestions on how to treat you? Again the email address is at the top of the page. We have been contacted by health care professionals before. He can phone me.
About your friend and the pee buddy "outing". I do recommmend that you do NOT start with an outing; I think that may be too big a step to start with. I suggest you start at home using your bathroom. Read the page on "Cognitive therapy and practical advice"; it is all relevant, but note especially para 18 about desensitisation, and the sample hierarchies for desensitisation further down the page. (I need to re-order the paragraphs into priority order!). Do not expect miracles; you have to do it little steps at a time, and give yourself time to get used to it. But you can go a long way at home, to the point where the buddy is in there behind you or beside you. Then you can try at his place, just to get over the fact that it is not your "safe" home bathroom. Only then would you look for a large quiet public toilet: motorway services are good, outside rush hour e.g. Sunday morning!
About the job. Go to your GP and say you get urinary retention and need to know how to self-catheterise as an emergency back-up. It is a lottery whether the GP will approve; some see it as too risky infection-wise(tho our experience does not back this up; others see it as overkill - you will need to challenge them about how you are supposed to manage without it, tomorrow!
When you tell your friend, ask him to think of ways you could cope in the short term. Blokes like the challenge of solving a problem and he knows the work set up. e.g if you use a white van, perhaps you could go in the back with a bucket or bottle, and he could cover for you. You would not be the first :-)
Lastly feel free to get in touch with me by email; it can help just knowing you can unload, and it would be easier to give advice on the pee buddying etc that way.
But carry on posting her as well; it feels good to get replies from others.
Then there is the workshop route, as Jan mentioned; see the posting above about it. It works