This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the
U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
For
further information, visit our website, or contact us at
Just thought I'd share some of my experiences. I too have only just realised the extent of this problem. I've suffered from paruresis (I've only just learnt that there is a name for it) since I was 15. I was actually at a Shaking Stevens concert so I should really put it in perspective when I think of how embarassing it is to admit that. Since then the fear of it happening again caused it to. I too have avoided many many social occasions due to having to base everything around where the nearest loo is. I've got moody with people when I am out, and stressed and haven't been able to explain why. I have always tried to fight against it by forcing myself to the urinal on occasions. I have other symptoms of social phobias like sweating, palpitations and basically losing control. This has caused lack of confidence. I've been married for 13 years now, two children and quite a high powered job and up until January never had a day off sick due to anxiety - which is amazing as I have been on Seroxat etc for 14/15 years. In December however I got promoted and after Xmas couldn't face going back to work - I was near a nervous breakdown. And how do you explain to anybody that it's all toilet based? The first step was to tell my wife the reasons. I can't believe I've never told her before - she always knew that I needed to go before I went anywhere and would normally go whenever I passed one, but no more. Her response was, "so what. It's no big deal." You see I travel a lot in my job and my biggest phobia is being a passenger and needing the loo, and then stopping and not being able to go and then getting in the car and wetting myself. Or being in a training course for one whole (or even worse) two days with the same people using the same toilet. And my logical brain also says, if I can't pee when I want to, what's to stop me peeing when I don't want to. But I think one of your FAQs has just answered this. Luckily for me I have private health insurance through work and have been seeing a psychologist since January. For me, I've found that I've been approaching it all from the wrong angle. As many of you have said there is no wrong and right. Why try to force myself to a urinal when I can just go in the cubicle? Saying that, I haven't got around to telling anybody else about the problem. I am no way cured but I am not mad, I am not alone and the problem is not (as I perceive other people perceiving it 'stupid') Just about every social occasion I look back on I can picture the anxiety that preceded it. And I can alos remember all the excuses I have made for missing out on so many others. So I'm certainly feeling better about it. As my psychologist says, there is no cure because there is nothing wrong. I just need to open up more - and not just in the proverbial sense.
Welcome to the fight; glad to see you're fighting back. Psychologists are OK...some of them. I disagree with yours when they suggest that there is no cure because there is no problem: If we can't pee when we need to pee, then we've got a problem. I agree with the notion that, if you can't pee at a urinal but you can in a stall, then go ahead and use the stall. The problem is, as our sister paruretics can attest, a stall isn't the solution for most of us.
But in my experience (and this is my prediction), you'll achieve more progress in a weekend Workshop than you will in a year's worth of office visits (and at far less expense). So in the interests of your time, money, and peace-of-mind, keep up with your psychologist visits for now but get yourself to the very next Beginner's Workshop. Good Luck
I agree with Andy. Though your psy caould argue that there is nothing wrong, because you are not psychotic, schyzophrenic, bi-polar, clinically depressed etc etc, the fact that your anxiety has got out of control to the point that it is illogical, and has distorted your perception of the real world, is a problem.
Psychologists who treat this condition recognise that CBT is the therapy required: i.e. to understand your perceptions and to show you how they are wrong and help you to see that, and to help you change your behaviour, in this case mainly by graduated exposure. You can do this on your own, but it can be a lot easier if you get started with help.
As for telling others: do it on a basis of (a) they need to know and (b) I trust them. A script is on the website.
You will find that reactions fall into two categories
1. guys to whom peeing has always been successful: they will struggle to understand what the problem is, will see it as no big deal, and will quickly forget you told them.
2. guys who have locked up on occasions, but have no problem with it: once you say it happens all the time for you, they will understand the difficulties it causes. They will say they just go in a cubicle or leave and return a bit later.
A good proportion will mention someone they know who is affected to some degree.
Instead of seeing yourself negatively as someone who cannot pee, can you see yourself positively as a guy who likes his privacy and his personal space?
