U.K. PARURESIS TRUST: Re: January London Beginners Workshop feedback

Following on from all the comments above, I would also like to give some very encouraging feedback on the workshop.

Having lived with this frustrating condition for a number of years, I was dismayed to see the problem become a lot worse a few years ago, when I worked in China for a year. Up until that point, it had never really affected my daily life, but it quite rapidly descended to a problematic level.

I'd been meaning to go on a workshop for a long time, but, because I was out of the country for so long (teaching English), it wasn't possible to attend one.

As the other guys have already mentioned, there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of when attending the workshop. No sooner have all the introductions been made, everybody seems dead keen to chip in and share their own experiences. That opening up process helps everybody relax completely, and after that it's just a great weekend like you'd have with your mates. It soon becomes clear that everybody is very normal, and that the problem itself is no real big deal.

During the weekend, there are lots of opportunities to share your experiences, to talk to the course leaders, to socialise with the other participants and, most importantly, to drink a hell of a lot of water and try to pee it out in a number of self-chosen situations, starting with the easiest possible situation and progressing up your own personal hierarchy. At no point do you feel under any pressure. You can always go back a stage, repeat the same stage again and again, or even take a break if that's what you want to do. The other guys don't even know if you've been a lot of the time, and you don't have to tell them if you don't want to. So, don't let that stand in your way.

Anyway, it's amazing how a little bit of graduated exposure helps, and how you suddenly find yourself going in harder and harder situations in such a short space of time. I think I can safely say that most, if not all, the guys on the workshop were amazed at the progress they made over the 3 days. As Andrew famously said, “It's the accumulation of small successes.”

For me personally, I progressed from being in a hotel room alone in a locked bathroom with my “buddies” out in the corridor, to going in a urinal about 15-20 times at a service station.

The thing that really hit home at the workshop was the thinking process and beliefs of an AP sufferer. Before the workshop, I approached public toilets or “troublesome” situations with a general feeling of dread. A lot of the time, I didn't really ever expect to go. And I was an expert at the safety behaviours and avoidance tactics that we all tend to have become so good at over the years. As Andrew and Peter so clearly and repeatedly explained: it's not about trying to pee in front of others; it's about learning to control your anxiety and relax in public toilets until peeing comes naturally.

Since last weekend, I've noticed a huge shift in my thinking. My sole purpose for visiting a public toilet prior to last weekend was 1) to pee. With that sole purpose in mind, I experienced vast anxiety, severe “pressure”, and more often than not failure and the horrible feeling that comes with that. I didn't even attempt urinals: the very sight of one made me feel sick.

Following the workshop, I now go into public toilets for the following reasons: 1) To see what the layout is like 2) To observe urinal etiquette 3) To stand in position and fake it or wait people out 4) To get comfortable being there for long periods of time 5) To stand in position until my anxiety is almost unnoticeable 6) To observe my thinking and be increasingly aware of my thoughts and emotions as they happen 7) To pee.
Having such a list of things to do is fantastic for one reason alone: peeing is no longer a priority or a huge importance. If it doesn't happen, I walk away, drink a bit more and try again a bit later. If that doesn't work, I do the same but go back a level on the hierarchy, e.g. a cubicle with the door open. But whatever happens, it doesn't really matter.

Another really interesting thing I've noticed is that before I went on the workshop, I would consider it a failure if I stood in a cubicle and didn't start peeing within 10 seconds. Even if I did go eventually, I would still carry that “failure” feeling with me “because of the long delay”. At one point this week, I went into a toilet at work and there was a guy stood by the sink putting something in his bag. It's a really small toilet and there are only two urinals and one cubicle. I went straight for the urinal, which was directly behind him and only a few centimetres from his back, and I just stood there and watched my thoughts and tried to get my anxiety down. He didn't leave for about 2 minutes but I just stood there (Bear in mind, I would have been long gone by then before the workshop – I would have been in the cubicle for a start!). Then, after he left I stood there for another minute and still didn't go. Then I did go. And I walked out knowing that I had succeeded, even though it took almost 5 minutes. What I'm trying to say in a nutshell is that the workshop taught me that there is no time limit on success. If you go to a urinal and you pee before you leave that urinal, regardless of it being 30 seconds or 10 minutes, you have succeeded. That was a huge mental shift for me.

As the other guys have already said, the workshop isn't a quick fix, but it's a taster of what can be done with a shift in beliefs and a lot of graduated exposure. I can honestly say that I have actually looked forward to visiting toilets (not in a perverse way of course!) since last weekend because my whole experience, and perspective, of them has changed; it's now an enjoyable challenge rather than an ordeal.

And for the record, I've been using urinals at work all week (albeit with nobody next to me or with other people in the cubicles), and I can already see how quickly you become comfortable using the same ones again and again. I've been stunned by how quickly I've been at times; sometimes it happens almost instantly. It's an amazing difference when you come home from work at night having not been in one cubicle all day.

For all those people thinking about making progress with this, my advice would be this: go to the workshop as soon as possible, share your experience with others, change your thinking, create your own hierarchy and take it one small step at a time as often as possible.

I'd like to say a huge thank you to Andrew and Peter, who brought their own humour and experiences to the workshop and had the patience to help each person individually. And thanks to all the other participants, who made it one of the most memorable weekends in a long while.

Here's to peeing freely!