Posted by R on 11/8/2011, 6:17 pm

Hi all, After about 25 years suffering from paruresis, I finally decided to do something about it this week. Andrew has been so helpful, as have the stories of those people on the discussion boards. Firstly, let me say that I don't know that I'm really cured, but I can say that it feels like a lever has gone off in my head to stop me getting anxious when I get into the toilets. Get 'Shy Bladder Syndrome' book by Soifer et al from Amazon, and this also gives some good exercises. The thing that helped me was to undertake this like a homework exercise! It's about repeated exposure to a situation until you find it kind of normal and boring. I'm now really feeling for the first time in my adult life like standing at the urinals is a normal thing to do; it's a place not to be afraid of; also, that frankly nobody cares a hoot about me; I might as well be invisible. I spent two 45 minute sessions this week in a service station as my homework; loaded up to bursting point on fluids and off I went! Here's the e-mail train with Andrew which tells my story. I really hope this is helpful as believe me, I thought that I would never in my life be able to do this. When I put my mind to it, I actually couldn't believe how quickly I could begin to turn the corner. As I say, this is early days and I am also very conscious that I have to continue the exercises and take things steadily. R, What a delight it is to see someone taking on board the advice on the website, and the experiences on the forum, and putting them successfully into practice. You say "I'm going to try to get down the busy end of the troughs next". This sounds a big jump from where you are. But if something has clicked, then it may be worth seeing if it works, so long as you do not become disheartened if you do not manage to go. I would advise using urinals (not troughs) and moving gradually closer to other people. The key is repetition, until it becomes boring, and no longer an event. As for attending a workshop: on balance I feel that you are doing well on your own, and no doubt will progress significantly further between now and October, by which time you could well be in the normal range of performance for men who do not have paruresis. As for standing between two men. There is no reason why it should not happen. Get used to going one space away; then start on being next to someone (making sure you practice both sides) and repeat until consistent. Then having one each side is not really any different. Its common for guys to prefer not to be between, or even next to, which means you dont have to fixate on it as a target. But if by repetition you get to doing it, so much the better. Actually though guys say teh thought of going with mates seems the hardest thing, in practie it can be easier, because you can relax in their company and break the ice by continuing the chat. You could probably identify one friend or relative whom you feel particulary comfortable with, and make sure you go at the same time as they do. You may feel it woudl help to confide in them what you need to achieve. One favour to ask you; do you fell able to share you experience in the email below (edited as you wish) on the forum? Best wishes Andrew Hello Andrew, Many thanks for your help. As I'm sure you'll know, one of the most difficult things is actually starting the 'treatment', and admitting to somebody that you have the problem! Last night I did fairly well with my wife, and I even managed to go in a public loo and in a pub trough, albeit nobody else was near me. Anyhow, today for the first time in about 26 years, I faced up to my fears and did a couple of sessions in a motorway service station. I thought I'd go to do a bit of exposure therapy to the environment, and if I relaxed enough, then I'd try for a pee, but I didn't want to put too much pressure on myself. They were a long line of urinals with no dividers between them. I tried up the end, away from people, but 'in view', which I would never have been able to do anything about before. I guess something clicked in my brian having read your discussion pages, and for some reason, I felt less threatened than before. I tried to feel comfortable being there, as if it is normal (which it is of course!). Anyhow, totally to my surprise, I managed to go! I did the painful thing of stopping myself and went back every 3 minutes to try it again and even though I never put myself very close to anybody else, I managed it about 8 times and once or twice only about 3 spaces away from other people. Later I returned after work and managed it again about 7 times. I'm going to continue with my homework as much as possible. I really can't believe I managed it, but it's largely down to your wonderful web-site. As such, I may not need to come to the workshop if I can crack it alone. I'll let you know - but do you think it would still be worth coming along to fortify my efforts? I'm going to try to get down the busy end of the troughs next, and also in different locations. Top of my difficult tree would be to stand at a trough and next to a friend - do you think that you could still lock-up at any point? I'm worried that I'll start regressing, but I have to say it feels like some kind of switch has gone in my brain - it's nothing about the physical stuff down below, all about the anxiety in the brain. Looking at your urinal etiquette, it suggests that you shouldn't actually ever do anything as daft as try and go standing between two other people - is that the best way, or do your participants ever get that good at it? Many thanks indeed for your help, it's quite fantastic! Kind regards, R Hi R Good to hear from you, and well done for deciding to do something about it; you also have a very supportive wife, which is great. There is good news and "bad" news: the "bad" is that the September workshop is fully subscribed; the good news is that the waiting list for that workshop is getting close to justifying a further workshop in say October. So let me know if you want to be on that waiting list. I will anyway put you on our email list, which means you will get email notification of all further workshops. In the meantime consider continuing with your fluid loading and graduated exposure with your wife. Best wishes Andrew Andrew, I've chatted this through with my very supportive wife and she is encouraging me to go, so are there any places left on the September workshop in London? Cheers, R Hello Andrew, I have suffered from paruresis since a teenager. A chap in my class used to come into the urinals at school and shove me in the back when I was trying to pee, which was what set it off. In all other respects, I am a very confident professional with no other anxieties or neurosis. I have hardly ever told anybody else about it as I find it so embarrasing. My wife is very understanding and despite having bought the Soifer book a couple of years ago, I've never really confronted the CBT. I went to Silverstone recently with a friend, and it was a nightmare - I can pee in the cubicals, but didn't want to explain to him why I was in there and not lined up in the urinals - had to lie and say that I was on antibiotics and had a dicky tummy; I'd like to go next year, but won't be able to use the same excuse again! As I have no annual leave left this year and not much spare cash presently, I'm going to begin graduated exposure therapy today with my wife. Just had the first pee, which I can start if she isn't actually in line of sight. She said she sneeked a peek at me and said that I was looking around nervously; we had a good laugh about it as it's actually so weird - in every other aspect of my life, I'm so confident, but this really freaks me out! Anyhow, I did manage it and I'm now loading up on liquids. We'll try the self-help, but if this doesn't work, is there a beginners workshop any time maybe in the New Year? Many thanks for your website, R

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